Pilots, especially combat pilots have been known through the years for the accoutrements "stashed" on the upper lips. Mustaches and fighter pilots seem to go hand in hand. In the U.S. Air Force they've been banned, but at times, pilots have donned them. And there is a thing called Mustache March where pilots grow their stiff upper lips in solidarity of being bold. And boldness favors the man or woman in air combat.
So.....from one of my new fav pubs, the Top 34 Dirt Squirrels, Flavor Savors, Lady Ticklers, Nose Bugs, Snot Mops, and the old Womb Brooms. Part I of II.
34. Dick Dastardly “Curses, foiled again!”
Dastardly’s appearance is based on Sir Percival Ware-Armitage from ‘The magnificent men in their flying machines’ (played by Terry-Thomas). Dick is penalised for not being real.
33. Chesley Sullenberger ‘Hudson-ducker proxy’
Hero and a gentleman he may be, but the ‘Angry Neighbour’ is not a stylish moustache.
32. Chief Instructor CDR Mike ‘Viper’ Metcalf
Metcalf mastered the ‘your mum’s new boyfriend‘ look but as he did not exist outside the homoerotic naval recruitment film ‘Top Gun’ he has not received a high ranking.
31. Col. Chris Hadfield ‘Cosmic busker’
“You know science can actually be fun…kids, where are you going?”
Orbiting Canadian busker Hadfield sports the ‘Scientist Uncle’ as also sported by your scientist uncle. Though being a spaceman is very impressive, this upperlip hair is far too sensible for this contest.
30. General Guishi Nagoaka ‘Hirsutie cutie pie’
The second largest moustache in the world at the time, but alas, cheeky Nagoaka was not a pilot — though he did pioneer some aspects of balloon warfare. According to his wife, the moustache was unbearably tickly on her thighs.
29. C.J. ‘Heater’ Heatley ‘Strawberry Top Gun’
F-14 pilot, Top Gun instructor and photographer Heatley took pictures that inspired the Top Gun film. All very well, but his thespian moustache seems too conventional to earn many points despite its excellent condition and strawberry blond hue.
28. Adolf Galland ‘Gallanded Gentry’
![Oberst Galland [Postkarte mit gedruckter Unterschrift]](/proxy.php?image=https%3A%2F%2Fhushkit.files.wordpress.com%2F2018%2F12%2Fbundesarchiv_bild_146-2006-0123_adolf_galland.jpg&hash=c833e60dbae8b7712366d411549b56c2 "Oberst Galland [Postkarte mit gedruckter Unterschrift]")
104 aerial victories for the Luftwaffe and a tidy moustache.
27. Wing Commander Robert Stanford Tuck ‘Tuck shop’
A classic fighter pilot look from Tuck here. After an extremely eventful World War II he made friends with Adolf Galland in later life and had a mushroom farm.
26. Hans Von Dortenmann ‘Focke!’
Twat
This twat shot down 38 aircraft that were fighting the Nazis. He killed a relation (Tempest pilot F/Sgt Coles of 274 Sqn ) of the author — which is probably going to lose him some points in this moustache contest.
25. Marshal of the Royal Air Force Sir John Cotesworth Slessor ‘Headmaster wants to see you’
If F-35 pilot Scott Williams hadn’t suggested Slessor’s inclusion on this list, it’s doubtful he would have made it (based on the image above anyway). Looking like the man who has just interrupted you sleeping with his wife, his stubbly shadow is below par.
24. René Fonck ‘Fonck you I won’t do what you tell me’
In World War I, two American pilots bet Fonck a bottle of champagne that one of them would shoot down an enemy plane before he did. Fonck lost the bet, but rather than pay it off, he convinced the Americans to change the terms of the bet so that whoever shot down the most Germans that day would win. Fonck went on to shoot down six enemy aircraft before the sun set. He become the top Allied Ace, with around 100 kills despite his unassuming moustache.
23. Glenn Curtiss ‘Curtiss may field first amphibious aircraft’
Peaky Blinders-style bully boy Glenn Curtiss did everything, if you don’t know him already, have a look on Wiki. Even with his busy life he kept time to maintain a really tough tash.
22. Bob Hoover ‘Not the KFC guy’
He could pour a cup of tea while performing a 1G barrel roll, and was one of the best pilots ever. Fairplay and a good ‘tash.
21. Charlie Brown ‘Peanuts’
Not to be confused with Charlie Brown from the Stigler incident , this Brown is a warbird pilot and owner of a pitch perfect handlebar.
20. Paul ‘Pablo’ Mason ‘The Mighty Fins’
Outspoken Gulf War veteran Pablo Mason was a Tornado pilot. As well as sporting a large moustache à la hongroise – a Saxon warlord kind of a thing – he was fired from being an airline pilot for being too cool*. High scorer here.
*He let a passenger on a charter flight onto the flightdeck to allay the passenger’s fear of flying, something which was banned following 9 11. He had previously stripped to his underwear in a protest at overly fussy airport security.
19. Roscoe Turner ‘Roscoe Turner Overdrive’
Somewhere between Dali and Vic Reeves, the surreal majesty of Turner’s Small Handlebar/Dali ‘tash look deserves celebration. Air-racing, lion-owning, DFC-winning Turner was a pretty amazing guy all round.
18. Howard Hughes ‘Hunky Hughes’
As well as collecting his own pee in jars and wearing Kleenex boxes for slippers, Hughes had an excellent understated moustache. Good to think of Hughes when considering if people like Bruce Wayne really exist.
17. Mike Napier ‘Hairy Tonka’
Mike Napier’s solid ‘Nigel Mansell’ is rocksteady at low-altitude, perfect for flying a Tornado GR.1
So.....from one of my new fav pubs, the Top 34 Dirt Squirrels, Flavor Savors, Lady Ticklers, Nose Bugs, Snot Mops, and the old Womb Brooms. Part I of II.
34. Dick Dastardly “Curses, foiled again!”
Dastardly’s appearance is based on Sir Percival Ware-Armitage from ‘The magnificent men in their flying machines’ (played by Terry-Thomas). Dick is penalised for not being real.
33. Chesley Sullenberger ‘Hudson-ducker proxy’
Hero and a gentleman he may be, but the ‘Angry Neighbour’ is not a stylish moustache.
32. Chief Instructor CDR Mike ‘Viper’ Metcalf
Metcalf mastered the ‘your mum’s new boyfriend‘ look but as he did not exist outside the homoerotic naval recruitment film ‘Top Gun’ he has not received a high ranking.
31. Col. Chris Hadfield ‘Cosmic busker’
“You know science can actually be fun…kids, where are you going?”
Orbiting Canadian busker Hadfield sports the ‘Scientist Uncle’ as also sported by your scientist uncle. Though being a spaceman is very impressive, this upperlip hair is far too sensible for this contest.
30. General Guishi Nagoaka ‘Hirsutie cutie pie’
The second largest moustache in the world at the time, but alas, cheeky Nagoaka was not a pilot — though he did pioneer some aspects of balloon warfare. According to his wife, the moustache was unbearably tickly on her thighs.
29. C.J. ‘Heater’ Heatley ‘Strawberry Top Gun’
F-14 pilot, Top Gun instructor and photographer Heatley took pictures that inspired the Top Gun film. All very well, but his thespian moustache seems too conventional to earn many points despite its excellent condition and strawberry blond hue.
28. Adolf Galland ‘Gallanded Gentry’
104 aerial victories for the Luftwaffe and a tidy moustache.
27. Wing Commander Robert Stanford Tuck ‘Tuck shop’
A classic fighter pilot look from Tuck here. After an extremely eventful World War II he made friends with Adolf Galland in later life and had a mushroom farm.
26. Hans Von Dortenmann ‘Focke!’
Twat
This twat shot down 38 aircraft that were fighting the Nazis. He killed a relation (Tempest pilot F/Sgt Coles of 274 Sqn ) of the author — which is probably going to lose him some points in this moustache contest.
25. Marshal of the Royal Air Force Sir John Cotesworth Slessor ‘Headmaster wants to see you’
If F-35 pilot Scott Williams hadn’t suggested Slessor’s inclusion on this list, it’s doubtful he would have made it (based on the image above anyway). Looking like the man who has just interrupted you sleeping with his wife, his stubbly shadow is below par.
24. René Fonck ‘Fonck you I won’t do what you tell me’
In World War I, two American pilots bet Fonck a bottle of champagne that one of them would shoot down an enemy plane before he did. Fonck lost the bet, but rather than pay it off, he convinced the Americans to change the terms of the bet so that whoever shot down the most Germans that day would win. Fonck went on to shoot down six enemy aircraft before the sun set. He become the top Allied Ace, with around 100 kills despite his unassuming moustache.
23. Glenn Curtiss ‘Curtiss may field first amphibious aircraft’
Peaky Blinders-style bully boy Glenn Curtiss did everything, if you don’t know him already, have a look on Wiki. Even with his busy life he kept time to maintain a really tough tash.
22. Bob Hoover ‘Not the KFC guy’
He could pour a cup of tea while performing a 1G barrel roll, and was one of the best pilots ever. Fairplay and a good ‘tash.
21. Charlie Brown ‘Peanuts’
Not to be confused with Charlie Brown from the Stigler incident , this Brown is a warbird pilot and owner of a pitch perfect handlebar.
20. Paul ‘Pablo’ Mason ‘The Mighty Fins’
Outspoken Gulf War veteran Pablo Mason was a Tornado pilot. As well as sporting a large moustache à la hongroise – a Saxon warlord kind of a thing – he was fired from being an airline pilot for being too cool*. High scorer here.
*He let a passenger on a charter flight onto the flightdeck to allay the passenger’s fear of flying, something which was banned following 9 11. He had previously stripped to his underwear in a protest at overly fussy airport security.
19. Roscoe Turner ‘Roscoe Turner Overdrive’
Somewhere between Dali and Vic Reeves, the surreal majesty of Turner’s Small Handlebar/Dali ‘tash look deserves celebration. Air-racing, lion-owning, DFC-winning Turner was a pretty amazing guy all round.
18. Howard Hughes ‘Hunky Hughes’
As well as collecting his own pee in jars and wearing Kleenex boxes for slippers, Hughes had an excellent understated moustache. Good to think of Hughes when considering if people like Bruce Wayne really exist.
17. Mike Napier ‘Hairy Tonka’
Mike Napier’s solid ‘Nigel Mansell’ is rocksteady at low-altitude, perfect for flying a Tornado GR.1
